I am an only child. At times of great happiness or distress I wonder how it would feel to share that experience with a sibling. Once when sitting alone in an Emergency Ward, doctors asked me do I want my mother resuscitated should the condition for which she had just been admitted deteriorate I keenly wished I had a sibling with whom to discuss the issue. But I don't have a sibling and never will so it is idle thought.
I have always assumed that if there had been a sibling that we would remain on good terms for life. I don't know why I am so certain about this given the example of my mother who became estranged from her only sibling for the last twenty or so years of her life.
I know three sisters with whom I have been close friends for over forty years. We have socialised together, travelled together, cried together and laughed together. Following the deaths of their parents they started to see me as a brother, the older brother they never had. Sadly after decades of close association two of the three sisters (middle and youngest) have fallen out with each other rather badly. Group socialising involving these two has become impossible. I continue to be on good terms with all three sisters but middle and youngest sister remain resolutely estranged.
Today at her invitation I met middle sister for lunch to see photos of her recent overseas trip. I mentioned my forthcoming overseas trip and she asked with whom I would be travelling. This I knew would be sensitive. Truthfully I told middle sister my travelling companion will be her estranged youngest sibling. Clearly neither oldest nor youngest sister had told middle sister of the travel plans.
Middle sister went very quiet, then whispered. 'I wish you hadn't told me this.' 'I'm having difficulty with this.' 'I wanted to do that trip.' And then she left. No further conversation, no lunch. Is our friendship over? I hope not.
I rang youngest sister and left a message informing her of what had happened.
I was left with a sick feeling in my stomach; quite upset. Is this the reality of what it is to have a sibling?
Postscript: within an hour of this exchange there has been a serious development possibly of a mental health nature which I won't go into at this time.
Little Jo has no brother or sister but she does have her imaginary brothers and sisters, including her Chinese sister Lily. Not having siblings is hard to imagine for me. It is not like we see each other a lot or connect really well, but they are just there. We do like to catch up to have a whinge about Mother, which I guess in time might change to a gathering to discuss more serious matters about Mother.
ReplyDeleteEx Sis in Law had a terrible falling out with some of her sisters when her parents died and things have never recovered. Her children and the alienated sisters' children suffered the worst, losing their connection as close cousins.
We have experienced break ups of friendships with us in the middle. It is an unpleasant place to be, but as you did with your sister friends, honesty is the only way to go.
R is easily offended and as you may recall I have written about it a couple of times, walking out of a restaurant and refusing to go into a friend's house when there was someone there he did not like. I support him publically, but privately I hope I have at least made a point to him, no matter how much angst it may have caused. Never mind the ongoing business with our Brother Friends. At least in your case, what you do is your own decision.
I am quite pleased my direct family has never really fallen out because it is quite awful and often irredeemable when families do fall out.
Sorry, not much comfort in my ramblings.
Thanks Andrew, as always a very thoughtful comment.
DeleteVictor,
ReplyDeleteIt could be that, as a single child, you underestimated the force of sibling rivalry.
The only way you could have avoided something like this was by not going on the proposed trip with the younger sister. Once that decision was taken, keeping it from the youngest sister would only end up making it even worse unless she never ever found out.
Sorry I got my youngest and younger and middle mixed up.
DeleteI mean going with the youngest and keeping it from the middle.
I agree marcellous, trying to keep a secret would be worse, which is the reason I was determined to tell her.
DeleteThat's terrible you got caught in the middle and was made to feel bad. I hope it doesn't detract from your trip.
ReplyDeleteIt won't AdRad. We had a similar situation with the South America trip two years ago.
DeleteAn interesting post and I do hope the situation righted itself. My son is an only child ~ although he has 4 brothers who he hasn't seen since his father died. His close mates are like brothers to him. I think we do the best ~ some people stay long term, others don't. Life, family and relationships are just complicated ~ perhaps because it involves people.
ReplyDelete