(Artwork - Raphael Perez)
I mentioned a dilemma when I watched Towelhead. I was uncomfortable watching the scenes depicting sexual activity with the thirteen year old girl. This seemed a natural aversion given that I am not sexually attracted to children or youth. I am grateful that I don't have that particular demon to battle.
However, as the film progressed my mind turned to my own history. I was very naive when I progressed through puberty and yet my own sexual activity commenced at the age of twelve. I know now that I didn't really understand much about sex then but the urge was strong, the enjoyment was irresistible and so I pursued sexual activity at every opportunity.
At that tender age, my sexual contacts were all with older males; probably all of them adults although my memory of them, other than 'my first', is non existent now. It never occurred to me at the time that I might have seduced any of these men nor that any of them might be taking advantage of, let alone abusing, me. Nor did I give much thought to the illegality of the behaviour.
So, as Towelhead raised memories that frankly never worried me before, was my discomfort a feeling of guilt or a sense of hypocrisy or have I just grown up?
The thought of my sixteen year old niece having sex horrifies me, but yet I know what I was hunting for at an age much younger.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting how memory works - you say that you don't remember the men - maybe that is a sign that something painful is associated with the memory. I know I have been exploring some memories of childhood trying to understand how I am today - it doesn't have to be scandalous or about abuse - it could just be something that makes you not deal with life as fully as you can today ...
ReplyDeleteI think meshugener is jumping to conclusions, perhaps overlooking the actual conditions of sex (and especially sex available to young gay males) in your youth. Nor am I sure that the range of possibilities you outline at the end of your post exhaust the possibilities. Nevertheless, there's a lot of food for thought here. Personally, I wonder if some of the contemporary concern about the young (especially pubescent teenagers) in relation to sexuality is as attributable to possessiveness as it is to protectiveness.
ReplyDeleteI was 14 when I had my first sexual relationship and he was 17. I never thought of the trouble it could have caused for him and it was an ongoing relationshp we had until he left for college. And that was when my life ended.
ReplyDeleteInteresting - I remember the first REAL sexual experience I had, hitch hiking home, New Years Eve, 1974, Pacific Highway near St Leonards. A much older guy picked me up, took me home, and really fucked me well - will always remember. I was not too young, approx 21, and he was much older - who was taking advantage of who is debateable, all I know was I enjoyed it immensely, previous encounters had been furtive fumbling that were most unsatisfactory...
ReplyDeleteMichael - I imagine that in a court of law it would all be looked at in black and white legal terms but for the individuals concerned it would not be clear cut at all.
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