Plumber's tools

Although hospital visits have derailed my social and working life for more than two weeks now I have still had domestic duties to pursue. Occasionally these have sent me into daydreaming territory; the sort of dreaming that never seems to come true for me.

This week I had to call on a plumber to repair a leak. Visits by plumbers, electricians, repair men and the like always raise the exciting possibility for me of an exotic sexual experience on the floor of my apartment such as that which seems to occur with every Tradie's visit in cheap porn movies. Of course, no such thrill has ever materialised in my life.

I selected a plumber from a list of two on a Tradies list posted in the foyer purely on the basis of which name seemed likely to be the younger man. Pretty pathetic really.

I rang his number and a Northern English accent answered. It was Phil the Plumber. He spoke slowly and cautiously. I couldn't tell whether he was young but he said he was interested in the repair job and could call on Thursday at the time I nominated.

He said he would see me then and rang off. Shortly afterwards I realised I had not given him my name, or a my contact number in case he needed to call me. I hadn't even checked his prices. I thought then that he most likely would not turn up let alone call me back about my repairs. Therefore I no longer cared that he should look like something like this man.

The plumbers who call on me never look like him anyway.

But I waited at the appointed time and right on cue my mobile phone rang. It was Phil the Plumber checking that I was waiting for him. Obviously he had retained my number from call display. 'Yes, I'm waiting for you' I replied, becoming breathless, and Phil the Plumber told me he would be there in five minutes.

Oh well, I thought, at least my repairs would get done. Five minutes later and there he was at my door. Sort of cute really. Not blonde like photo plumber, nor as apparently muscular but....not bad. Not bad at all. Late twenties, maybe early thirties, dark haired, lean and tall. I started to wonder how clean my bathroom floor was.

He started with preliminary chat then asked my needs.....plumbing needs, of course. Whilst chatting he discreetly adjusted his shorts. My mind blanked out all thoughts of leaks at that point and focussed on what that adjustment meant. Was he sending me a signal? Should I just abandon all dignity and ravish him there and then?

My mind turned back to leaks and moments later there he was fondling my cistern, grabbing at my washers and pressing my valves. No more adjustments of shorts, no displays of plumber's crack, he was completely focussed on plumbing. My breathing had followed my mind and returned to normal.

Turns out I need a new valve and he doesn't have the appropriate one with him. Can he return on Friday? 'Of course', I said, immediately imagining what clothing or lack of I should greet him with at the door upon his return.

Friday morning and once again he has arrived on time. He is armed with a new valve and I am fully dressed. More chit and chat but no adjustment of his shorts. I adjust mine instead but there is no reaction. Either he is not interested or my adjustment skills have dried up through lack of practice and my performance has been too discreet.

Far too quickly he has completed the repairs. Further chit chat ensues. I am wondering is he waiting for me to make a move or is he just a really nice guy making friendly chat? Finally he departs but not before I promise to call him for future plumbing needs.

This morning, Saturday, I am in front of the building and who should be about to drive his van away but Phil the Plumber. He has just completed another job in the building. We chat again whilst he locks the parking guard to the space his van is vacating, he then gets into his van and drives off.

I sigh and wonder about what might have been. Oh, one more thing. I have learnt something new about Phil the Plumber. Whilst he was squatting to lock the guard I see an unmistakeable view and now know Phil the Plumber dresses to the left.